Spring 2003
  Issues / News
Bring me your Dead

John Edwards has something to say to dead people, "I hear you."  If you don't already know who John Edwards is, then you've probably been too preoccupied by more pressing issues.  Shame on you for not spending your whole day watching television.  For those of you who don't know, John Edwards talks to dead people on his syndicated show, Crossing Over with John Edwards.

If you have lost a love one to cancer, auto accident, or any other reason, but you want to know that they nice and safe up in heaven, you need to talk to John Edwards.  His incredible ability to talk to the dead will shock and amaze you.  He has become world famous for bringing comfort to those seeking solace with their love one's passing.

With his unique ability, John Edwards is able to cross over the invisible barrier of death.  To go beyond this mortal coil is a gift not bestowed on very many humans.  John Edwards is a rare individual.  From an early age John Edwards knew that he was different from the other children.  As it says on his official website, John Edwards dot-net, "John exhibited psychic abilities from an extremely early age, and was deemed "special" by many in his family.  The fact that he would uncannily know family history and events that took place prior to his birth solidified that fact."

Thankfully someone with this great gift has cared enough to share his gift with the masses via television syndication, five times a week.  This gift is something that he has wanted to share a lot, as witnessed by his many seminars, books and T-shirts he offers on his website.

Every one of us has lost someone very near and dear to us.  With the help of John Edwards we can finally know that our love ones are in Heaven, with God, and not in Hell, with Satan.

Of course, in talking to the dead one notices that the dead don't talk the way the living do.  The dead seem to only be able to talk in initials, forgetting their own name, and the names of the families.  The dead also seem to be very forgetful about the details of their lives, like where they lived, and who they were married to.  It's as if death clears their memories of only the most superficial events of a person's life.  Thankfully John Edwards is able to read this initial based communication and decipher it for the living.  Sure, he might get a lot of the facts wrong, but he can most assuredly tell you that your love ones are indeed dead.

  Serious News
A time to sue

Did you hear about that guy that sued McDonald's because their 'food' made him fat?  So did I.  It got me to wonder what companies I could blame for my numerous self-imposed ailments.

People have already sued tobacco companies because they can't stop smoking.  Why can't I get into the suing lottery?  Now, all I have to do is find something that's bad for me, but that I do everyday.

Hershey's chocolate has deep pockets, right?  I think I should be able to sue Hershey for $10 million because I can't stop eating their chocolate.  There has to be something in that stuff that makes me want to eat more and more chocolate.  Also, because of the pimples I've been getting, I can't keep a job.

Lay's potato chips, you can't eat just one.  I don't.  I eat two, three, bags a day.  Because of that, and my lack of motivation, I'm as fat as a house.  I can't move, and it's all because of Lay's potato chips.  If I could free myself of these things I could actually live a normal life.

TV, I should be able to sue every channel for my addiction.  It's bad enough that I can't do anything because of the chips I eat, but then even if I did want to do something TV won't let me go.  I'm forced to watch 16 hours of TV a day.  Of course, that leads me to eat Lay's potato chips.  So you see, it's a vicious cycle.

Playboy magazine has such beautiful women each and every month.  I get so horny that I have to play with myself three to seven times a day, when I get the magazine.  And, each time I do I get really sleepy.  I get so sleepy that I'm forced to sleep about 5 hours during the day.  Now I ask you, how can I maintain a job if I'm always whacking off and sleeping 5 hours a day?  It's enough that I get in my 16 hours of TV a day, and my three bags of chips, in.  There aren't enough hours in the day for me to become addicted to anything else.

I figure that my total lawsuits should be worth something in the neighborhood of $110 million.  Then, after I get the money I can buy that big screen TV I've always wanted.  Oh, and that "World's Biggest" Hershey's Kiss.  What the hell, I'll get two.  Oh, and I could finally take that trip to see how they make Lay's potato chips.  I hear they give out free samples.  Oh, and I could finally afford a hooker.  I've looked into pricing them before, but they want much more than I have.

  Important News
The importance of being a pretty girl

There isn't anything more important than being a pretty girl.  I was taught at an early age that I had to always look my best.  Even when I wasn't feeling well, or I wasn't in the mood, I had to look my best.

My mother taught me that being pretty is a gift that is given to a lucky few.  She also said the gift came with a price.  Pretty people have to share their beauty with the world.  They can't keep it to themselves, or they will lose that beauty.

Those lessons were hard to understand when I was a child.  I didn't think the way she did, at first.  I saw everyone pretty much the same.  I didn't think to break them down and judge them on their individual parts.

But, as I grew older, I came to realize that there are major differences in each and everyone of us.  Some of us are pretty, and some of us are, or lack of a better word, ugly.

Some of us have been blessed with great skin, great bodies, and beautiful faces.  We are aesthetically beautiful.  Some of us are so beautiful that we radiate a aura that has a positive affect on those around us.  Beauty can make the world a better place.

Everyone has heard the saying, "Beauty is only skin deep."  The way most people say it, it comes off as a negative.  But really, that's as far as we see.  We aren't Superman, with his X-ray vision.  All we see is skin deep.  And, if you could see beyond the skin surface you would see things that aren't very beautiful.

My mother taught me these things, and I've come to hold them dear to my heart.  I do think that there isn't anything more important than being a pretty girl.  Pretty girls make the world a whole lot nicer.  There is a saying of a face that launched a thousand ships.  There's a reason why they don't say the mug that launched a thousand ships.  That's because that face was a beautiful face.

It's clear that our society doesn't place enough emphasis on being beautiful.  Those who aren't beautiful are now being accepted for their inferiority, their affliction of ugliness.  I don't think that's right.  If we start accepting those that are ugly as being OK, then we have lost a lot of what makes us different from the animals.  We will have lost that unique treasure that humans have, beauty.  Beauty, and the ability to distinguish it from the undesirable is out biggest gift.

  Even More News
Selling out isn't so bad

Who says it's a shame to be a sell out?  Selling out is the American way.  I mean, if you were given the chance to become rich and famous, without having any talent at all, wouldn't you?  Not all of us can be lucky enough to have been born with talent, of any kind.  Talent, real talent, is rare.  Genius talent, well, is super rare.  So, what chance do the untalented of the world have to make it?  Exactly, by selling out.  Selling out affords you the ability to become rich and famous, without having any talent.

I'm going to sell out, as soon as someone gives me the cash to sell my soul.  I don't have any real talent, just a desire to be famous.  I don't really care why people know me, just as long as I'm known.  Being famous allows me to do things that common people can't do.  Isn't that worth selling out?

And why is selling out considered bad anyway?  What, doesn't everyone want to better their life?  Selling out one's integrity is so easy.

Say you want to be a great singer.  Your good, but not so great that you can't make it.  But, say your a girl singer with huge tits?  Who is to say that showing those big tits to get people to buy your album is a bad thing?  Not me.  Or, your songs aren't that great, but you can shake your ass in a video.  Why does showing your ass automatically mean that the song is bad?  I think it makes a bad song good.

Say you want to be the next big thing in sports.  You actually have talent, but your stuck in college playing for no money.  Why shouldn't you take money from school boosters in order to better your life now?  Is that really selling out, if people are willing to break the law to give you money, cars and/or drugs?  I say no.  Why wait until your knees are busted before you make a few dollars on the side?  It doesn't matter that your now sold lock stock and barrel to these boosters, they'll always look out for your best interest.

Say your a writer.  You want to write the next great novel, but no one wants to read about that shit.  Why not just write about something everyone likes, love.  Why not be predictable in your stories?  Doesn't the public like predictable?  I don't think anyone out there reading a book wants surprises.  They want what's familiar, not something new.  Not a new point of view, but a story they know with fond familiarity.

Selling out has such a negative sigma to it.  I think that should change.  I think more people should sell themselves out to the highest bidder.  Even if the highest bidder totally changes who you are.  That's the price you have to pay.  Besides, you'll be rolling in dough.  You can't live on integrity alone.

 
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